When I was writing The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex, I conducted two surveys of over 1000 Women each, looking into all kinds of questions, including how much they enjoyed sex, how often they had sex, and how sex had improved since they got married. I was only planning on interviewing women.
But then I started to analyze the results. What floored me was that 40% of women reported making love less than once a week.
So I decided that I had better survey some guys, too, to find out how they felt about this. And the results weren’t pretty. I've got it divided into age group, and religion, and years married, and everything-but suffice it to say that there are a lot of rather miserable men. Many women are quite miserable, too, since about 25% of women reported that their husbands rarely wanted to make love, which made them feel very undesirable.
Making love tells a spouse: I value you. I love you. I desire you. I accept you. When you don't make love, it’s as if you’re saying the opposite. That may not seem fair, because you may think: why does everything have to do with sex? Why can't he just love me for who I am? But men were created to feel affirmation through sex. When we don't want them, they feel as if they aren't loved, either, even if that’s not what we intend. And women were created to feel pursued- If she isn't pursued, she will feel as if there's something wrong with her, too.
I do not believe that we women understand how devastating it is to men to be constantly turned down by their wives over and over again, I heard men say, “I get rejected so often that I’ve just stopped asking. It’s humiliating.”
If you feel like he demands sex too much, you can get mad at him and say that he should just grow up and not need it so much, but then you’re imposing your views on him. You’re asking him to change, but you're not willing to change. And you know something, girls? It really doesn’t take much. Just decide to jump in! It doesn't have to take two hours. It likely will take less than half an hour. And if you put your mind to it, your body will likely follow.
And men, feeling stressed or not feeling in the mood isn't an excuse for you, either Your wife needs to feel connected to you, even if you're tired, or overworked, or worried. You must put a priority on this if you want to have an intimate, fun, close marriage.
So how often is enough? I would say at least twice a week, if I were forced to pick a number. But for some couples, especially when they're younger, more would probably be good. And the happiest couples I found were those who were mak-ing love 3-4 times a week. When you connect like that, it has repercussions on how you feel about each other.
Maybe we should stop asking “what's the minimum I can get away with?” and start asking, “how can I get in the right frame of mind so I can show my spouse how much I love him (or her)?” Make the second into a habit, and I guarantee your marriage will get better!
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