Under the influence of our parents, we may or may not be able to make apology to our spouse. Apology languages are languages used for apology to someone you want to show your regrets. Making apology and how apology is made can be learned from our parents, thus it can be inherited from parenthood.
Stereotype on apology
In the movie "True Grit", John Wayne proclaimed that "real man don't apologize." Influenced by him, my father followed his example. He was a good man, neither an abuser nor an angry man. Sometimes, he would lose his temper and speak harshly to my mother and sometimes to my sister and me. In all his life,apology can never be found. I followed my father as my example and then John Wayne had another convert.
I don’t mean that I made a conscious decision never to apologize. The fact is, the thought of apologizing never crossed my mind. Before marriage, I could not imagine ever doing or saying anything to my wife that would warrant an apology. After all, I loved her. I intended to make her supremely happy and I was certain she would do the same for me. However, after marriage I discovered a part of me that I never knew existed. I found out that the woman whom I had married had ideas, some of which I considered to be stupid. And I told her so. I remember saying with a loud, harsh voice, “Carolyn, think. This is simply not logical.” My words would spark a sharp response and we would be on a downward spiral.
I was simply doing what my father had done. I never apologized.
After such episodes, we would both go silent and not speak to each other for hours or sometimes days. After the passing of time, I would break the silence and begin to talk to her as though nothing had happened. We would have a few good days or months before there were more harsh words. I did not recognize it at the time but now I see clearly. I was simply doing what my father had done. I never apologized. In my mind, I blamed her for our altercations.
How I learned to make apology
Needless to say, in the early years, we did not have a good marriage.
Shortly after our wedding, I enrolled in seminary and began theological studies. It was in this context that I discovered that the Christian scriptures have a great deal to say about confession and repentance. Confession means to admit that what I did or failed to do is wrong. Repentance means I that I consciously turn from that wrong and seek to do what is right. I was attracted by the boldness of John the apostle who I said, "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
If we confess our sins, “God” is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.- I realized that I had allowed myself to be deceived. Blaming Karolyn for my outburst was evidence of my deception. I found great personal solace in confessing my sins to God. To be totally honest, it was much more difficult to learn to confess my failures to Karolyn.
However, over the next few months, I did learn to apologize and found that Karolyn was fully willing to forgive. In time, she too learned to apologize and I extended forgiveness. After spending a lifetime counseling other couples, I am convinced that there are no healthy marriages without apology and forgiveness. I draw this conclusion from the reality that all of us are human and humans sometimes do and say things that are demeaning to other people. These unloving words and actions create emotional barriers between the people involved. Those barriers do not go away with the passing of time. They are removed only when we apologize and the offended party chooses to forgive.
A few years ago I teamed up with another counselor, Dr. Jennifer Thomas, and did extensive research on the art of apologizing. We asked hundreds of people two questions. First, "When you apologize, what do you typically say or do? Second, when someone apologizes to you, what do you expect to hear them say or do? Their answers fell into five categories,called "the five languages of apology.” The evidence was clear that one person considers to be an apology is not what another person considers to be an apology. Thus, couples often miss each other in their efforts to apologize. He says, “I’m sorry.” She is thinking, “You certainly are. Now, is there anything else you would like to say?” She is waiting for an apology, he thinks he has already apologized.
All of us are human and humans sometimes do and say things that are demeaning to other people.
Apology language can be inherited
Typically, we learn our apology language from inherited from parenthood.. Little Cole pushes his sister Julia down the stairs. His mother says, Cole, don’t push your sister. Go tell her you are sorry. So Cole says to Julia, “sorry.” When Cole is thirty-two and offends his wife, he is likely to say, “sorry.” He is doing what his mother taught him to do and he doesn’t understand why his wife does not freely forgive him. However, his wife had a different mother. Her mother taught her to say, "I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?" This is what she is waiting for Cole to say. In her mind “sorry”, does not qualify as an apology.
Couples often miss each other in their efforts to apologize.
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