Different kinds of languages are used in behaviors of human activities.Just like there are love languages, there are apology languages. Hereby in this passage, five apology languages are introduced: expressing regret; accepting responsibility; making restitution; genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior and requesting forgiveness.
1. Expressing regret
“I’m sorry” may well be the first words in expressing this apology language. However, you need to tell what you are sorry for. The words “I’m sorry” spoken alone, are much too general. For example, you might say, I’m sorry that I came home an hour late. I know you have been waiting for me so we could go to the movie. I realize that we’ve already missed the first thirty minutes and you probably don’t want to go now. I feel bad that I did not pay more attention to the time. I got busy with work at the office. I can’t blame anyone but myself. I feel like I have let you down big time.
If you have lost your temper and spoken harshly, you might say, I am sorry that I lost my temper and raised my voice. I know I came across very harsh and that I hurt you deeply. A husband should never talk that way to his wife. I feel like I have demeaned you. I can only imagine how hurt I would feel if you spoke to me in that way. You must be hurting deeply and I am so sorry that I hurt you.?
This apology language is an emotional language. It is seeking to express to the other person your emotional pain that your words or behavior have hurt them deeply. If this is the apology language of the person you have offended, what they want to know is, “do you understand how deeply your behavior has hurt me?” Anything short of this kind of apology will seem empty to them.
2. Accepting Responsibility
This apology begins with the words “what was wrong” and then goes on to explain what was wrong about your behavior. For example, “I was wrong not to plan my afternoon so I could get home early. I knew we were going out tonight but I didn’t consciously think about what time I needed to be home in order for us to leave on time. It was my fault and it was wrong. I can’t blame anyone else.
The person who has spoken harshly might apologize in the following manner. “The way I talked to you was wrong. It is not loving or kind to raise my voice and speak harshly to you. I should not have allowed my temper to get out of control. I’m not blaming you. I’m accepting responsibility for my behavior and I know it was wrong.”
The person whose primary apology language is accepting responsibility, is waiting to hear you admit your behavior was wrong. For this person, saying "I’m sorry" will never sound like an apology. They want you to be willing to accept responsibility for what you did or said and acknowledge that it was wrong.
3. Making restitution
This apology language seeks to “make it right”. One husband who forgot their wedding anniversary said, know that I’ve really blown it. I can’t believe that I actually forgot our anniversary. What kind of husband is that? I know that I can’t undo what I have done but I would like an opportunity to make it up to you. I want you to think about it and let me know what I could do to make things right with you. We can go anywhere or do anything. You deserve the best and I want to give it to you. If making restitution is his wife’s primary apology language, you can bet she will have an idea of what he can do to make things right.
For the person whose primary apology language is making restitution, what they really want to know is “do you still love me?” Your behavior seems so unloving to them that they wonder how you could love them and do what you did. Thus, what they request of you may well be in keeping with their love language. If their primary love language is physical touch, they may simply say to you “Would you just hold me or could we make love?” If, on the other hand, receiving gifts is their love language, they will likely request a gift that they had wanted, which to them would genuinely express your love. If acts of service is their love language, they may say the greatest thing you could do to make it right with me is to clean out the garage.” If quality time is their primary love language, they may well request a weekend away just the two of you. The person for whom words of affirmation is their love language will ask you to verbally affirm your love. They may say “would you just write me a love letter and tell me why you love me and how much you love me?” To them, words speak louder than actions.
4. Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior
This apology seeks to come up with a plan to keep the bad behavior from reoccurring. One man who "lost his temper again" said, “I don't like this about me. This is not good. I know I did the same thing last week. This has got to stop. You deserve better than this. Can you help me think what I can do to make sure that this doesn't happen again?" His desire for change communicates to his wife that he is sincerely apologizing.
This couple decided that when he felt himself getting "hot,” he would say to her, ''Honey, I’ve got to take a walk. I’ll be back shortly." He would take the walk and calm down. When he came back in thirty minutes, he would say to her, "I love you so much and I appreciate the time out. I don’t ever want to lose my temper with you again. I appreciate you helping me overcome this.” In some people's eyes, if your apology does not include a desire to change your behavior, you have not truly apologized. Whatever else you say, they do not see it as being sincere. In their minds, if you are really apologizing, you will seek to change your behavior.
5.Requesting forgiveness
“Will you please forgive me?" These words are music to the ears of the person whose primary apology language is “requesting forgiveness." In their mind, if you are sincere, you will ask them to forgive you. This is what an apology is all about. You have hurt them and they want to know,
“Do you want to be forgiven? Do you want to remove the barrier that your behavior has caused? Requesting forgiveness is what touches their heart and rings of sincerity.
What Dr. Thomas and I discovered is that when couples learn how to apologize in a manner that is meaningful to the other person, they make forgiveness much easier. What most people want to know when you are attempting to apologize is “Are you sincere?" However, they judge your sincerity by whether or not you are speaking what to them is a genuine apology. That means you must learn to speak your apology in their primary apology language. When you do, they sense your real sincerity.
Long-term relationship need to be maintained and managed. Since you've chosen a kind of relationship, you'd better try your best to manage it well. Contribute your efforts to know about yourself as well as your partner, find the exact apology language that work best for you to resolve any disagreements or conflicts without arguments or fighting will be the wisest choice.
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