Now we’ve talked about how to play together, and how to think and prepare for sex throughout the day. Tomorrow we're going to turn to how to flirt! But before we get there, let’s talk about affection.
For most men, sex is the need, and affection is the choice. For most women, affection is the need and sex is the choice.
Really think about that statement for a moment. Whichever one is your biggest need, realize that your spouse feels the need for the other with exactly the same intensity.
One of the problems in our culture is that affection has lately been separated from sex. Sex is no longer about a connection between two people as much as it is about a quest for an orgasm (not that there's anything wrong with orgasms!) But it becomes about the body, and not about the saul, or the relationship, or the love. And for women, especially, that's a stretch. If sex in your marriage has become something which is tacked on at the end of a day when you didn’t touch, didn’t say sweet words to each other, and didn’t laugh together, then it can easily feel as if you are being used.
But women also need to understand that men may have difficulty showing affection when they do not feel loved. And to a man, a big part of feeling loved is knowing that his wife desires him and wants him.
We're going to be working throughout this month on how to turn the notch up on our sex lives. But I think it's fitting to fint turn the notch up on affection, because affection really conveys the message: I cherish you Sex, then, is not only about the joining of two bodies; it becomes about the joining of two hearts.
Here are some ideas of how to be affectionate with one another
Take a Hand
Whenever you're walking with each other, or sitting beside each other, hold hands.
Touch
As you walk by each other, make it a habit to reach out and brush a shoulder, or pat an arm, or ruffle some hair. Especially if your spouse’s love language is touch, it’s so important to reach out and make that quick connection一a connection that isn't overtly sexual!
Say Kind Things
When my husband and I speak at marriage conferences, my husband tells the story of a couple who had been married for 45 years. In desperation one day the wife announced they needed counseling. He was flabbergasted. “Why?” he asked. She replied, “You never talk to me. You never touch me. I don't even think you love me anymore." He rolled his eyes and replied, “Look, on our wedding day I told you that I loved you. If that ever changes, I will let you know."
Don't be like that guy. Make it a habit, every day, to tell your wife you love her.
And women, make it a habit, everyday, to tell your husband WHY you love him. Don't just say, “I love you.” Say, “i appreciate so much how you provide for the family,” or “the way you play with Jeffy makes me so happy. He loves you so much," or ''the way you handled that disagreement at church made me so proud to be your wife.” Note the things that he does well, and tell him what those things are.
That’s it. Just hold hands, touch, and say kind things. It’s amazing how those three little things can change the whole atmosphere of a marriage!
Great Sex Challenge:
Hold hands while you talk through tonight's challenge. Talk about how doing these three things regularly would change the dynamic of your relationship. Now share with each other two or three things that most attracted you to your spouse when you both met. What did you love about her? Tell each other—in great detail!
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