Is Being Right More Important or Being Happy More Important in Marriage?

Author Beth Banning and Neill Gibson From How to Rekindle an Unhappy Marriage - overcome resentment and regain the trust you need 6 years ago 9533

When your spouse doesn't support you with enough respect or encouragement, or even share in the small joys of your life, you may become frustrated, resentful and even angry. You may even not accept it even if they make apologies to you. All those bad feelings may even become so intense that you even think about ending your marriage. Cultivated and growing up in our social environment, we tend to be taught to identify who's right and who's wrong or who's acting appropriately. When things don't go in a way we expect, we have conflicts and arguments, then bad feelings such as fear, frustrating, resenting and even angry appears.


The rift appears

When you have an argument with your spouse and you believe in your heart you're right or at the very least justified in holding your opinion. That means you view your spouse as being wrong and, in your mind, acted in an inappropriate manner. You may even label them inconsiderate, uncaring, or even a bad spouse.


Result of this situation is that neither of you is happy. It’s not surprising that simply labeling your spouse in these ways may leave you feeling resentful and angry.


It depends on you

Changing this scenario only becomes possible by making a conscious choice: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Don't misinterpret this as meaning that you have to give up what’d important to you - this is simply about letting go of your “right or wrong” thinking.


If you choose to be happy - great! But to do this you must keep reminding yourself that everything everyone does or says is always because they’re trying to meet their needs, or in support of something they deeply value. When this truth becomes ingrained in you it frees you from the desire to react defensively. Not only that, but it also opens the door to sincere compassion for other people.


Conscious choice = happiness

Once again, remember to not take it personally! Next time you face a situation that upsets you, stop and choose to be happy. There are many ways to interpret your spouse's actions in any given situation. The following scenarios illustrate this concept well.

·You may want your spouse to call you from his work-place when you’re sick, but they may believe that if they call they would be bothering you.

·You may stop and talk with your spouse even if you're busy, but when you want to talk to them, they may be feeling too tired right then and not want to talk.

·Does this make their actions “wrong?” Or do they just need something different in the moment than you do?

In these situations, if you only attempt to identify who's “right”and who's “wrong”, you limit yourself from discovering possibilities that could satisfy everyone involved.


Change your thoughts, change your life

In every moment you get to choose. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

If you want to be happy and maintain a satisfying marriage, it's important to begin viewing what you perceive as disturbing situations from a more detached place.

It's not until you enter this place of detachment that you can begin to explore the situation, identify what might be motivating your spouse’s actions, and then devise ways you can create mutually satisfying outcomes. In any moment you can shift into a new mindset by simply asking yourself questions such as:

·"What’s important to me in this situation?”

·“What might be happening for them that they behave this way?”

·“What’s important to them in this situation?”

·“What strategies can we create together that might work for both of us?”

Then, if you feel the need to speak with your spouse about what happened, begin a conversation with the intention of creating ways in which you can resolve the situation that works for both of you. When you begin experiencing this kind of relationship with your spouse you'll be well on your way down the path to a much happier, more satisfying marriage.


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